Updated 6-20-08
This has been cut from the book. This is now the only place it will be posted. I do not even see the need to edit this right now… I may someday but I doubt it right now
Now this rant is a little harsh. I was very upset when I wrote this. I have no clue If i will even keep it. so read it now as it may hit the publishing floor.
When this was written it was at first an angry letter to a lover. It was never sent. I hope he dose not read my blog, as I think he will know it was meant for him, and I no longer feel this way about this person. The next day after writing this I sent some of the lines from this in Text messages and issues were resolved….
Darling If you do read my blog, please do not be offended by anything in it. I have moved past any issues I have.
Naomi’s Rant: Relationships that ship sailed
Darling do not be surprised when I stop begging for you. I am sorry to say this, and it does not mean I want you less. The best part about a hard life is that there are many lessons learned. One that I have learned is that begging gets you nothing, and only shows weakness. Yes I do have a weakness for you. That will take a long time to change.
I do not understand your inability to tell me no, even when that is the answer. Do you think that it will hurt me? No it will not. What hurts me is the begging, and the lack of answer in place of the no. It is okay to say things like you would rather not, to say not tonight dear, or to just say no.
I just can not beg anymore. What is the point? I have begged for attention my whole life, it never works. The only reason I have for this long is because I know it appeals to your ego, and that is one way to appeal to you.
Every man has his point of entry. Your ego is yours. I just can not do this anymore. I can not weaken myself this much. It hurts to pour myself out to you, at your request, then to get nothing in return. You tell me “You know I like you,” but no I do not. I have no idea where I stand with you. I know you like to sleep with me. Well no shit, what man does not like that part of a relationship? You also seem to like the way I worship your body with my eyes. Like I said I appeal to your ego. You may tear down my walls, but darling soon I will have new ones. I am building them already.
Are you trying to push me away? If that is what you want than just tell me so. I will leave if you want. I never stay where I am not wanted. I have walked away from others for less than this. Maybe it is because I do care, or maybe it is because the sex is that good or even maybe I am just losing my self respect. I must be forgetting who I am. I am strong, I am cold, and I am hateful. I just do not show you this side of who I am. Should I start? All you see is my smiles, and giggles and the cutesy kitten part of me. I guess it is time to remind you how hard it was to find that part of me.
I will not beg for you. In time, I may even find others to fill my time. I have spent too much of my life alone to give up on a real human connection. By far I am not meaning love. I just want any real connection. I wish I could have those with you, but every time we get close you pull away from me, and yes sometimes it is me pulling away. I only pull away because I have given so much of myself to you already.
I already know I can not have you for my own, so I will never ask for that. Although you sometimes do give me hope for that, a hope I should not have. You make me want to keep you, to have a relationship, maybe even a life with you. Then you say something to shatter that optimism or even worse than that; you say nothing at all. Hope is a painful thing to me. I never get what I hope for, so in time I stop.
I would never ask for your love, I am sorry I ever offered myself so completely to you. What was I thinking? You told me not to, and I should have listened. I knew the relationship sailed along time ago.
