I’m swimming in a sea of fear and self doubt. I am drowning due to my own stubbornness over the hope of something I can never have. What I want I cannot let go of, and what I want dose not want or need me…
I ‘m scared and left alone, this sea I am drowning in is of my own creation… it is my tears…
I tired of being alone, I am tired of being ignored… It is time for me to move on…
Updated 6-20-08
This has been cut from the book. This is now the only place it will be posted. I do not even see the need to edit this right now… I may someday but I doubt it right now
Now this rant is a little harsh. I was very upset when I wrote this. I have no clue If i will even keep it. so read it now as it may hit the publishing floor.
When this was written it was at first an angry letter to a lover. It was never sent. I hope he dose not read my blog, as I think he will know it was meant for him, and I no longer feel this way about this person. The next day after writing this I sent some of the lines from this in Text messages and issues were resolved….
Darling If you do read my blog, please do not be offended by anything in it. I have moved past any issues I have.
Darling do not be surprised when I stop begging for you. I am sorry to say this, and it does not mean I want you less. The best part about a hard life is that there are many lessons learned. One that I have learned is that begging gets you nothing, and only shows weakness. Yes I do have a weakness for you. That will take a long time to change.
I do not understand your inability to tell me no, even when that is the answer. Do you think that it will hurt me? No it will not. What hurts me is the begging, and the lack of answer in place of the no. It is okay to say things like you would rather not, to say not tonight dear, or to just say no.
I just can not beg anymore. What is the point? I have begged for attention my whole life, it never works. The only reason I have for this long is because I know it appeals to your ego, and that is one way to appeal to you.
Every man has his point of entry. Your ego is yours. I just can not do this anymore. I can not weaken myself this much. It hurts to pour myself out to you, at your request, then to get nothing in return. You tell me “You know I like you,” but no I do not. I have no idea where I stand with you. I know you like to sleep with me. Well no shit, what man does not like that part of a relationship? You also seem to like the way I worship your body with my eyes. Like I said I appeal to your ego. You may tear down my walls, but darling soon I will have new ones. I am building them already.
Are you trying to push me away? If that is what you want than just tell me so. I will leave if you want. I never stay where I am not wanted. I have walked away from others for less than this. Maybe it is because I do care, or maybe it is because the sex is that good or even maybe I am just losing my self respect. I must be forgetting who I am. I am strong, I am cold, and I am hateful. I just do not show you this side of who I am. Should I start? All you see is my smiles, and giggles and the cutesy kitten part of me. I guess it is time to remind you how hard it was to find that part of me.
I will not beg for you. In time, I may even find others to fill my time. I have spent too much of my life alone to give up on a real human connection. By far I am not meaning love. I just want any real connection. I wish I could have those with you, but every time we get close you pull away from me, and yes sometimes it is me pulling away. I only pull away because I have given so much of myself to you already.
I already know I can not have you for my own, so I will never ask for that. Although you sometimes do give me hope for that, a hope I should not have. You make me want to keep you, to have a relationship, maybe even a life with you. Then you say something to shatter that optimism or even worse than that; you say nothing at all. Hope is a painful thing to me. I never get what I hope for, so in time I stop.
I would never ask for your love, I am sorry I ever offered myself so completely to you. What was I thinking? You told me not to, and I should have listened. I knew the relationship sailed along time ago.
Ok so there is this guy that I have talked about before… No lie I’m head over heals for him…
The problem with being head over heals is when you fall and break your neck!Now I don’t know if he is leading me on and full of shit or if he is just as confused as I am. Regardless of that he makes me fucking crazy!
We spend Two great nights together and the entirety of yesterday together. He is sweet charming and well rather cuddly… Ok no complaints here. Hell i was digging it and well i was being ubber sick cute and snuggly myself. He says the nicest things to me over the time I am there. Even a few days before he is being that way over text. So much so that i really did not sleep with either of the pretty guys from the church.
I can never tell if the things he says ate meant or just drunken utterance. He is so often drunk that one just can not tell… More than once he has said something about me moving in. I would not want that, i think it would make us both crazy, but at the same time I can not tell if he meant it when he asked… He tells me he likes me, He tells me he wishes that he could keep me…. We have both admitted we have thought about a relationship. we can see pros and cons. To be honest i don’t know if thats is what i want with him…
Then after several days of making me fall even harder for him, and even deciding I don’t want any other man in my life he becomes an asshole… Be holds me tells me how sexy i am how much he likes me, then into the shower he goes, and comes out an ass. Complains that I send him to many texts, when i remind him he sends just as many he shrugs. He seemed offended when I called him an asshole (which he really is, he is just nice to a few of the people in his life. He is for the most part not an asshole to me). The whole way taking me home i wanted hit him…
He sends me so many mixed signals that I think i need a break from him… i just don’t know if i can. I do really like him, the sweat things are more than the asshole things. I guess in the end i just want to enjoy the good moments….
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
He complains about how much i text and has started texting me right now!!!!
Life With Naomi
