The past…

Has this weird way of coming back and visit you…

It is how we handle our past and embrace the moment that makes us stronger or weaker…

One can never let the past rule us, we should learn from it, take from it what we can but do not let it dominate the moments we live. Your past is not who you are, it just shapes what you have become.

If you do not like your past, evolve. Shed the past from off your shoulders, and reinvent your NOW. Remember, it is now that matters, for that is what we are faced with.

There is nothing in our past that is so grand that it is worth giving up an eternity of moments for.

There are often things in our past worth holding on to, and those should never be let go of. If we focus too much on that we miss what is going on all around us.

So I am thankful for my past for making me who and what I am. I am thankful for all the good memories my past has given me, and the people who have breached my awareness. I am thankful for those who have inspired me… Yet I am not letting go of the things that make me happy now and inspire me today.

I am told this is a foolish pursuit, that will leave me feeling empty later, but I can not see how following BLISS can ever be foolish…

I do not have the crazy notion that if it feels good go for it but I also will not subject myself to needless stress and pain. I do not put myself were I do not want to be. How can that be so bad? This simple thought has given me a book that I have written, and inspired people around me…

Am I permanently enlighten? Or am I the fool like those who do not get it think that I am? I really do not know.. Nor will I worry about it. For today the sun shines and God blesses me…

Buddhists believe that only when we are free from desire are we ready to achieve bliss.

My feelings on drugs…

This is a cross post with a link to the full article/rant:

E Explosion in DFW

By: Amanda Bennett

I want to start this article saying I DO NOT DO DRUGS.

In fact I am an ex drug abuser. I did cocaine for several years, and have been clean longer than I even did the drug. I have always made a point to have friends who do not do drugs either. I have kicked people out of my house permanently for having a bag of weed in their pocket. Needless to say I have no idea what goes on in the drug world. To be honest I am happy not knowing. I know they are out there, I can spot when people are high… That is good enough for me.

So you know a city with a drug problem has to be bad for me to see it. I am upset by this. I love DFW. (That is the Dallas-Forth Worth Metroplex.) I have been living here for a few years now. Yet this place I love so much is in the throws of a drug problem. I am almost unsure how to react.

Read More…

You know what you want

There is so much truth in this little note… it truly  tuched me in a way… I found this on the found blog.

So yeah… nothing more to say… the note says it all

(click image for the link to is…)

emo kids…

They are like  the sissy little siblings of the hardcore punk kids of the 80s… even my own kid has the emo look going… At least Dante has a reason for the attude, he has psych problems… (Sorry for that by the way son, you get that from your mother’s family… who got it from her mother’s family…)

i don’t think he reads my blog… but he may… god I hope not… lol

regardless… I don’t get the whole thing… I thought maybe I am just too old to get it…. (I’m not that old *tear*) My lover who is young enough to get it does not get it either… (thank god he has some since)

But now my flatmate (jon; who i adore like my brother) has gone the way of the emo… I don’t know what to do… Now I know emo is not an age thing cuz he is older than me… (also not that old)

so now what… I have tried draging the man to the club, I have offered him booze, i have tried to make him laugh… If i had more money i’d offer to buy him a whore… Yes I am that good of a buddy…

I DON’T GET IT

Maybe I am just to old… Blah

I just want to say…

I am happy to have an open mind…

I just spent several hours “talking” to a person on yahoo messenger…

He spent the whole time telling me I was wrong because I disagree with him…

I even heard him out, because sometimes I do see things wrong. (Although every time I offered a rebuttal he got mad for not letting him finish.)

So I told him to get to the point… He stated his point.. and why… I still disagreed… told him my POV and he disagreed… I did not tell him he was wrong for his view. I just said neither would change the other’s mind and we should just let it slide… In the end it dose not matter…

At this point he called me illogical… I do not see the point in arguing… so I kept saying, “So say you…”

This seemed to offend him… He never did really drop it… I mean if he likes his views then he should keep them… but that dose not mean I am wrong… or for that matter illogical…

he even stooped so low as to make fun of my spelling… I pointed out that I have been up for over 20 hours, I am dyslexic, and and IM dose not have a spell check… My reply was that if I cared more I would pay more attention, and thank God for editors. I saw that as a low for him… I am defiantly easier to understand then people who use the urban slang in text.. That stuff is spelled all kinds of crazy.

Then he told me I should read the bible closer because it is all in there… WOW

I told him he should get out of his cozy little box…

clearing my head

I’m swimming in a sea of fear and self doubt. I am drowning due to my own stubbornness over the hope of something I can never have. What I want I cannot let go of, and what I want dose not want or need me…

I ‘m scared and left alone, this sea I am drowning in is of my own creation… it is my tears…

I tired of being alone, I am tired of being ignored… It is time for me to move on…

Some things I have written

I made a new page for the different things I have written… Some of this stuff used to be on the page about my book, but I want to try to keep that page about the book only. I am not even including the stuff from the second book on there.

After I have more done of book 2 it will get it’s own page. This is all stuff that is already in my blog but set up so it is easier for me and others to find.

I am in a weird mood today and just have the need to orgainze things… before doing this I fixed up all of my notes for Book 2 and retyped up some of my lists…

Working on Book 2/ Looking for home

I have started the second book when i was about half way thought the line edit of Life After Naomi. Mind you it is mostly notes, and ideas of what should happen.

When I wrote the first book I did not just sit down and write it. I sat down and wrote short stories and fragments and later weaved them all together into one story. I keep the over all goal of the story in mind as I write the fragments mind you but I guess it just seems less intimidating to weave a bunch of bits and pieces together than to write a book.

So of coarse this is the same way I have started the second book. I do not even have a complete chapter for it but I have a about 2,000 words. Mind you this is all very rough draft of it all. Well I wanted to post one of these fragments. Most likely this will end up a rant, but it may just be a soliloquy by Naomi. Regardless I hope you like this:

Looking For Home

I have spent much of my life in search for “home.” What ever home is? Nowhere I have ever been has had the feeling one should get from the idea of home. Well I guess that is a lie, I have felt at home for a moment. Like so many other things one finds in the moment though, it never lasts long enough. That makes it worse for once it is gone, because I long for it even more. It is when I am sad, or lonely that I miss it the most. To many times have I found myself sitting in the tub, with tears running down my face whispering, “I want to go home.” I never realize until I have said this that the words were even in my thoughts. My next is always, “Where is home?”

This is where it gets hard for me, and the simple tears turn to light sobs. Many images enter my mind when I ask myself this question. The first is always running in the Painted Desert in Arizona. After that comes the arms of the hand full of lovers who made me happiest. There are only three men who have made me feel at home in their arms. What a wonderful moment I had when I felt that way. I think those are some of the happiest moments of my life. To finally after so much searching feel like I found where I belong. The problem is I never get to stay long. Sometimes I am the one who pulls away, but more often than not I am pushed away, or even drug away by something out of my power.

Maybe I am just looking for a place to fit in more than anything. I like not conforming to mainstream society, but at the same time, the little island who is truly is an individual is a lonely place indeed. What I need is a man who can catch the wind in his grasp and a man who makes me feel at home in his arms. He must be able to keep me with out making me feel trapped, and give me home, not a cell.

I doubt I will find such a thing, at least, not for more than a moment. I just want to go home, some one point me in that direction… please. I am tired of wondering around in the mess of my mind, I am tired of lost, and alone. I know I will never be able to stay still though. I need to find  a home as ethereal as me. Is there such a thing?

Protected: an angry letter to all the men in my life…

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Time Warner SUCKS AND I HATE IT!

ok the reason I have not been online is thus:

End of last month: Internet suddenly goes out in the middle of the night….

HMMMMM peculiar…Call time warner the next day…. They talk us through so stuff… Nothing works, They say they can send some one out next friday (its currently a Sunday) Well tell them we can not go that long with out Internet what else can we do? They say bring us the modem, we can replace it.

That Monday: Roommate takes in the modem… They replace it… Get home, nothing improves… They talk us through the test…. My dad also works for time warner but in Austin dose the same thing with me…. Still no improvment… So we call again, they say Friday they can send someone… We tell them sure…

That Friday (4th of july): Cable guy comes out… Cable guy is a moron and can not find the box outside… Cable guy leaves saying they need to get some one else, and they can not do that till monday… That means we go one with out Internet… GRRRR

The next monday: Second cable guy comes out… This one is smart…. Fixes it… Says we are the victims of cable theft. They messed every thing up, he fixes it enough so that we can get our Internet. The people stealing our stuff come out yelling and cussing him out for turning off their cable. He thinks oops maybe i did mess up the box is not marked well… Calls the office, they say those people do not have Internet… they keep cussing… he calls the cops… they get in trouble…

WE HAVE INTERNET but only for 18 hours…

Then in the middle of the afternoon it goes off again…. I am right in the middle of something too… I was pissed!!!

I call my roommate (who’s name is on the bill)… He calls time warner…. They say they can not do anything till the 15th

I call time warner… and very politely (yeah right) explain the situation including the cable theft… They say they can creadit our account…. I told them I know you are, and you will fix this problem. They tell me not until the 15th. I said no you will come out here tomorrow and spend the five min it takes to switch the cables around correctly or we do not want your service at all..

They said morning or after noon… I said asap

The next day: no one comes out… I was awake… I was waiting…. My roommate calls when he gets off work… They tell him that they were here but no one answered the door… like I said.. I was here and awake… no one knocked, or rang the bell…

They tell my roommate we will send management out there to fix the problem in between noon and 5 pm…

The next afternoon: no surprise no one shows up… we call the extension given, to find that it is not a valid extension… We call customer service… the say they are sorry, we tell them to shove it, come get your box. They said we can not get it until the 20th we tell them to fuck off… We call AT&T and set up service…

Today: Time warner calls us… They ask if we have gotten our Internet fixed… We tell them yes, but not by them… They asked if we were satisfied with their services… We tell them no we hate you leaves us alone come get your crappy modem…

In today’s mail: A halmark card from Time warner…. It says sorry we let you down, please try our service now… it is in the trash…

/END RANT