My dad was here pretty recently and I introduced him to LOLcats! I have not seen that old man laugh so hard in ages. He had me send links to my step mom who he is sure would love the kettehs!!!
Well anyway, my dad had asked me to make one with a platypus about god having a since of humor. That has alway been one of his fav jokes, well at least one he tells allot…
So i made this today for my dad… I hope he likes it… It is my first try at making anything like this… Giggle…
My noes is mad, at me… I hate this I hate coughing and sneezing, and such. I am drinking coffee just so I can breathe… At least i have netflix to keep me up all night…
If I am lucky, my noes will not hurt in the morning…
Despite all of this i can not help day dreaming about going to New Orleans. Not That I can go, but i wish I could…
sigh…
No doubt if I was able to go i would not be able to breathe there.
Blah… Guess I will have to take some medicine soon…
I am not really sick today… I still feel a little blah, but I will be ok
I am going to go walking today with my roommate we are going to start doing that every day if the weather is good…
I love to walk…
Well it took me a few shots of vodka, and 2 cups of coffee but I have a Rant done… I did not get any chapter work done though. This makes me sad… But tomorrow I am going to try a little harder. But sadly my book has been neglected…
I have reached the point of insomnia where I have begun to hallucinate. Don’t worry it is nothing major. There is no Jesus riding a peacock kind of crap. I just have the whole breathing floors and walls, and moving shadows kind of thing going. It is unsettling for sure but I am at least awake enough to know that it is not real. Now only if I could get some real healthy sleep.
I have tossed and turned in the dark so long, that I have now given up. Every light is now on and the TV is up loud. I have checked my e-mail a half a dozen times, and opened up a book to try and read. If anyone else was in the room with me I would have driven them crazy. Even while reading I can not sit or lay in one position for more that three or four pages. It is also hard to concentrate on the words on the page.
I hate insomnia. I can never get comfortable, I am hot, and then cold, then I get hot again. I am unable to get cozy and I can not think quite right. Maybe I am off somewhere at a diagonal left.
Before I realize it I have finished reading the book. That was four hundred pages of time killer. Now what do I do? I pace, I take a walk, and then a long hot shower after loosens my tense back. After all of this I still do not feel the lovely grasp of sleep. In the last forty-eight hours I have only have four hours of sleep. When you go this long with out sleep you lose all track of time, and all you can think is, “Have I really been awake for twenty hours straight?”We humans were not made to work under these conditions yet some how I trudge on. One of my favorite lines in school was, “Eh, I’ll sleep when I’m dead, I don’t need to now.” I am sure I said that earlier today, but in truth I do the sleep. I just can’t find it. I did learn that my plaid sheet have 1,530 white squares in it. Next I think I will count the light blue and then the dark blue ones after that. Yes, I am that tired. I would start another book but I can’t decide if reading made me tired or if the story was so good that that is what kept me up six-teen of the twenty hours.
With the TV off again and the lights back off I stare wide eyed into the dark. I am praying for the sweet darkness to fill my brain, but she will not come. I wish I could just bang my head against the wall and knock myself out. I already took a few sleeping pills, and I know if I take more I will make myself sick, and I gave up the coffee early this morning. Than again that could have been yesterday morning.
Around four in the morning I decide I am past the point of no return. At this point I may as well get coffee. I know I will not get any real sleep, but the coffee helps me think a little clearer. Driving tired is worse than driving drunk. When drunk I am able to react at least, even if it is slow. When I am like this though, there is really no reaction. Stab me I bet I would not even flinch. I may even be grateful because than at least in death I would find some kind of peace.
To top this all off I am having sinus problems. There is only one kind of allergy medicine that really makes me feel better, but it amps me up really bad. If I did do drugs, this is what I think I would feel like. The medicine would only make it worse. So I decide to learn to live with this discomfort.
Insomnia is a painful thing. It drives a man crazy, and makes people do odd things. I really think I can be as deadly as anything else out there. At least I am not creating any odd alter egos. Well I guess I have really, I just live my alter ego all the time now. Why else would I live my life less ordinary with Naomi?
I have come to realize that lately i have been to happy with my life to write a book about a cynical stripper… So i sit in front of my computer to much lately not writing….
This sucks, Because I like that i am finally happy, but I need to Get through a few more chapters…. Sigh, so i going to try to piss myself off today to get those chapters out of the way…
So if all goes well I will finish a chapter and clean up a rant today. If I get that done I will post the rant. I need to get more feed back on the rants though… sooooooo plez k tx
Updated 6-20-08
This has been cut from the book. This is now the only place it will be posted. I do not even see the need to edit this right now… I may someday but I doubt it right now
Now this rant is a little harsh. I was very upset when I wrote this. I have no clue If i will even keep it. so read it now as it may hit the publishing floor.
When this was written it was at first an angry letter to a lover. It was never sent. I hope he dose not read my blog, as I think he will know it was meant for him, and I no longer feel this way about this person. The next day after writing this I sent some of the lines from this in Text messages and issues were resolved….
Darling If you do read my blog, please do not be offended by anything in it. I have moved past any issues I have.
Darling do not be surprised when I stop begging for you. I am sorry to say this, and it does not mean I want you less. The best part about a hard life is that there are many lessons learned. One that I have learned is that begging gets you nothing, and only shows weakness. Yes I do have a weakness for you. That will take a long time to change.
I do not understand your inability to tell me no, even when that is the answer. Do you think that it will hurt me? No it will not. What hurts me is the begging, and the lack of answer in place of the no. It is okay to say things like you would rather not, to say not tonight dear, or to just say no.
I just can not beg anymore. What is the point? I have begged for attention my whole life, it never works. The only reason I have for this long is because I know it appeals to your ego, and that is one way to appeal to you.
Every man has his point of entry. Your ego is yours. I just can not do this anymore. I can not weaken myself this much. It hurts to pour myself out to you, at your request, then to get nothing in return. You tell me “You know I like you,” but no I do not. I have no idea where I stand with you. I know you like to sleep with me. Well no shit, what man does not like that part of a relationship? You also seem to like the way I worship your body with my eyes. Like I said I appeal to your ego. You may tear down my walls, but darling soon I will have new ones. I am building them already.
Are you trying to push me away? If that is what you want than just tell me so. I will leave if you want. I never stay where I am not wanted. I have walked away from others for less than this. Maybe it is because I do care, or maybe it is because the sex is that good or even maybe I am just losing my self respect. I must be forgetting who I am. I am strong, I am cold, and I am hateful. I just do not show you this side of who I am. Should I start? All you see is my smiles, and giggles and the cutesy kitten part of me. I guess it is time to remind you how hard it was to find that part of me.
I will not beg for you. In time, I may even find others to fill my time. I have spent too much of my life alone to give up on a real human connection. By far I am not meaning love. I just want any real connection. I wish I could have those with you, but every time we get close you pull away from me, and yes sometimes it is me pulling away. I only pull away because I have given so much of myself to you already.
I already know I can not have you for my own, so I will never ask for that. Although you sometimes do give me hope for that, a hope I should not have. You make me want to keep you, to have a relationship, maybe even a life with you. Then you say something to shatter that optimism or even worse than that; you say nothing at all. Hope is a painful thing to me. I never get what I hope for, so in time I stop.
I would never ask for your love, I am sorry I ever offered myself so completely to you. What was I thinking? You told me not to, and I should have listened. I knew the relationship sailed along time ago.
I added two new pics on the caturday page!!!!
I just want to let everyone know…
that I am a dork…
and i have had nothing to drink in too long… Sunday night was the last time i drank!!!!!!
Why am I sober???? I am begging all my friends to help me in this….
I made a really cool page full of pics of uber cute kitties!!!! GO LOOK!!!!
Life With Naomi
