Archive for March, 2008

30
Mar
08

Rant about Insomnia

Well it took me a few shots of vodka, and 2 cups of coffee but I have a Rant done… I did not get any chapter work done though. This makes me sad… But tomorrow I am going to try a little harder. But sadly my book has been neglected…

Robert’s Rant: Insomnia

I have reached the point of insomnia where I have begun to hallucinate. Don’t worry it is nothing major. There is no Jesus riding a peacock kind of crap. I just have the whole breathing floors and walls, and moving shadows kind of thing going. It is unsettling for sure but I am at least awake enough to know that it is not real. Now only if I could get some real healthy sleep.

I have tossed and turned in the dark so long, that I have now given up. Every light is now on and the TV is up loud. I have checked my e-mail a half a dozen times, and opened up a book to try and read. If anyone else was in the room with me I would have driven them crazy. Even while reading I can not sit or lay in one position for more that three or four pages. It is also hard to concentrate on the words on the page.

I hate insomnia. I can never get comfortable, I am hot, and then cold, then I get hot again. I am unable to get cozy and I can not think quite right. Maybe I am off somewhere at a diagonal left.
Before I realize it I have finished reading the book. That was four hundred pages of time killer. Now what do I do? I pace, I take a walk, and then a long hot shower after loosens my tense back. After all of this I still do not feel the lovely grasp of sleep. In the last forty-eight hours I have only have four hours of sleep. When you go this long with out sleep you lose all track of time, and all you can think is, “Have I really been awake for twenty hours straight?”

We humans were not made to work under these conditions yet some how I trudge on. One of my favorite lines in school was, “Eh, I’ll sleep when I’m dead, I don’t need to now.” I am sure I said that earlier today, but in truth I do the sleep. I just can’t find it. I did learn that my plaid sheet have 1,530 white squares in it. Next I think I will count the light blue and then the dark blue ones after that. Yes, I am that tired. I would start another book but I can’t decide if reading made me tired or if the story was so good that that is what kept me up six-teen of the twenty hours.

With the TV off again and the lights back off I stare wide eyed into the dark. I am praying for the sweet darkness to fill my brain, but she will not come. I wish I could just bang my head against the wall and knock myself out. I already took a few sleeping pills, and I know if I take more I will make myself sick, and I gave up the coffee early this morning. Than again that could have been yesterday morning.

Around four in the morning I decide I am past the point of no return. At this point I may as well get coffee. I know I will not get any real sleep, but the coffee helps me think a little clearer. Driving tired is worse than driving drunk. When drunk I am able to react at least, even if it is slow. When I am like this though, there is really no reaction. Stab me I bet I would not even flinch. I may even be grateful because than at least in death I would find some kind of peace.

To top this all off I am having sinus problems. There is only one kind of allergy medicine that really makes me feel better, but it amps me up really bad. If I did do drugs, this is what I think I would feel like. The medicine would only make it worse. So I decide to learn to live with this discomfort.

Insomnia is a painful thing. It drives a man crazy, and makes people do odd things. I really think I can be as deadly as anything else out there. At least I am not creating any odd alter egos. Well I guess I have really, I just live my alter ego all the time now. Why else would I live my life less ordinary with Naomi?

29
Mar
08

Update about my book

I have come to realize that lately i have been to happy with my life to write a book about a cynical stripper… So i sit in front of my computer to much lately not writing….

This sucks, Because I like that i am finally happy, but I need to Get through a few more chapters…. Sigh, so i going to try to piss myself off today to get those chapters out of the way…

So if all goes well I will finish a chapter and clean up a rant today. If I get that done I will post the rant. I need to get more feed back on the rants though… sooooooo plez k tx

25
Mar
08

Today

I am in an amazing mood! I slept well next to a sexy man got well fucked last night and this morning, got my housework done in less than an hour, and I got a modeling gig set up for tomorrow!!!

I think I shall back a cake now! I am just in an amazing mood, and i don’t feel like this often… I blame this all on my lover! Because he is just that wonderful! And He called in today so i will get to spend a bit of the day with him…

Now I think I swill crawl back into bed next to him now…

23
Mar
08

I just want to say

I heart reference.com ! I go there all the time to look up all kinds of weird random stuff! One never knows what will be found there!!!

That is where I found my favorite word! which for those of you who don’t know me it is Idiolect. I work that into as many conversations as I can. I also like the word Anechoic. Sadly though I have yet to work that into a conversation.

When i can get away with it also I do use as many Newspeak words as I can from the book 1984 just to see if people catch it! Funny thing, well maybe not so funny… very few people do. Well if they do they don’t say anything…. Maybe they are to busy trying to doublethink what every I am telling them.

Regardless I love words… Even If i can not spell. Thank Those above again for reference.com ! With its help I can spell anything! It is one reason i love to write so much, the joy of stringing words together

23
Mar
08

Happy Jesus Zombie Day

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So yeah as stated above… Happy Jesus Zombie Day

23
Mar
08

too close

I’m closer than I should be….

I want to back up, but at the same time i don’t. I want to move closer but i am too close already…

I feel trapped, I feel lost, i feel scared. I am in uncharted waters, and do not know how to go on.

I want to run away and never look back, but it is too late for that now…

Since there is nothing left to do… I sit down, but i am restless. I need to move…

I am the girl who never shuts up, yet for once I am at a loss for words… I can not write my book, I can not carry on a conversation, i have nothing… nothing of Value…. even worse… nothing with out merit either…

I will only sit trapped for a few days… and then I must move one way or another… but the ball is not in my court anymore

22
Mar
08

Another Rant: Relationships that ship sailed

Updated 6-20-08

This has been cut from the book. This is now the only place it will be posted. I do not even see the need to edit this right now… I may someday but I doubt it right now

Now this rant is a little harsh. I was very upset when I wrote this. I have no clue If i will even keep it. so read it now as it may hit the publishing floor.

When this was written it was at first an angry letter to a lover. It was never sent. I hope he dose not read my blog, as I think he will know it was meant for him, and I no longer feel this way about this person. The next day after writing this I sent some of the lines from this in Text messages and issues were resolved….

Darling If you do read my blog, please do not be offended by anything in it. I have moved past any issues I have.

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Naomi’s Rant: Relationships that ship sailed

Darling do not be surprised when I stop begging for you. I am sorry to say this, and it does not mean I want you less. The best part about a hard life is that there are many lessons learned. One that I have learned is that begging gets you nothing, and only shows weakness. Yes I do have a weakness for you. That will take a long time to change.

I do not understand your inability to tell me no, even when that is the answer. Do you think that it will hurt me? No it will not. What hurts me is the begging, and the lack of answer in place of the no. It is okay to say things like you would rather not, to say not tonight dear, or to just say no.

I just can not beg anymore. What is the point? I have begged for attention my whole life, it never works. The only reason I have for this long is because I know it appeals to your ego, and that is one way to appeal to you.

Every man has his point of entry. Your ego is yours. I just can not do this anymore. I can not weaken myself this much. It hurts to pour myself out to you, at your request, then to get nothing in return. You tell me “You know I like you,” but no I do not. I have no idea where I stand with you. I know you like to sleep with me. Well no shit, what man does not like that part of a relationship? You also seem to like the way I worship your body with my eyes. Like I said I appeal to your ego. You may tear down my walls, but darling soon I will have new ones. I am building them already.

Are you trying to push me away? If that is what you want than just tell me so. I will leave if you want. I never stay where I am not wanted. I have walked away from others for less than this. Maybe it is because I do care, or maybe it is because the sex is that good or even maybe I am just losing my self respect. I must be forgetting who I am. I am strong, I am cold, and I am hateful. I just do not show you this side of who I am. Should I start? All you see is my smiles, and giggles and the cutesy kitten part of me. I guess it is time to remind you how hard it was to find that part of me.

I will not beg for you. In time, I may even find others to fill my time. I have spent too much of my life alone to give up on a real human connection. By far I am not meaning love. I just want any real connection. I wish I could have those with you, but every time we get close you pull away from me, and yes sometimes it is me pulling away. I only pull away because I have given so much of myself to you already.

I already know I can not have you for my own, so I will never ask for that. Although you sometimes do give me hope for that, a hope I should not have. You make me want to keep you, to have a relationship, maybe even a life with you. Then you say something to shatter that optimism or even worse than that; you say nothing at all. Hope is a painful thing to me. I never get what I hope for, so in time I stop.

I would never ask for your love, I am sorry I ever offered myself so completely to you. What was I thinking? You told me not to, and I should have listened. I knew the relationship sailed along time ago.

22
Mar
08

sore

I am so sore… blah….

After dancing and playing on the pole at the club I whet home and fucked my wonderful lover! As he put it, “we fucked like drunken monkeys, or drunken lab rats, or was it lab bunnies, or what ever we fucked well…” All i could do was laugh as he said that….

He bit me pretty good too… not that i mind but i think i have a bruise.  again not that i mind but wow I’m sore today….

It’s kind of nice… this is all good sore….

I think i have internal bruising form the sex though…. again good sore

20
Mar
08

Tonight

This is where I will be!

20
Mar
08

cannibals

This is an essay i wrote some time ago. I guess about a year or so ago.

UPDATE MAY 7, 2008

Oh i know because of my page stats that many people read my essay on cannibals. I reread that the other night, and wow… thats poorly written… It was a first run of that, more so I could get a majority of the words on “paper.” So to let people know… I am working on rewriting that.  I am also going to try to flesh (pun intended) it up, and add some notes for further reading. My hope is that with ALLOT of revision (already mostly done) and if I can double the size that I may be able to sell it to a magazine or something. If I am able to I will be sure to post about that. I am not going to post the new improved version on here though, because I would like that just for who ever I sell it too. I am sure you can understand.

Cannibalism: Mankind’s Oldest Funeral Right

can·ni·bal (kān’ə-bəl)
–noun
1. a person who eats human flesh, esp. for magical or religious purposes, as among certain tribal peoples.
2. any animal that eats its own kind.
–adjective
3. pertaining to or characteristic of a cannibal.
4. given to cannibalism.

Cannibalism has become a thing of horror movies and taboo. Something almost hard to believe in modern times. Horror movies like “Hill Side Cannibals” have given us a grim and Psychopathic ideal of such acts. We are also reminded of such cases of the Serial Killer Jeffrey Dahmer. What is not remembered is that cannibalism is the oldest and longest practice of disposing of the dead.

Humans have been around for a long time. Longer than most people realize due to the fact that written history dose not cover it all. In the times before written history we have to look at the artifacts, to paint a picture of what happened. In some cases we have to look at what is not present to try to get an idea of what happened. Of 100,000 years of humanoid existence why is so little left behind. The truth is there are more bones of dinosaurs than early man. One could go to any museum to see the truth in that. Now this is something that could easily be looked over, and seen as unimportant. In the case of human remains the lack of evidence tells us as much as the evidence that we do have.

The easiest evidence to see cannibalism is in wild Chimpanzees. Chimp mothers have been known to kill the young of other mothers. This has been seen by Jane Goodall, in the Gombe Chimps. In the wild Chimps are meet eaters and even to prefer the meat of smaller baboons.

Early man took advantage of the easily gotten food from the dead. No doubt it was seen as a no risk meal to eat and butcher the already dead. It was also covenant as the smell of the rotting corpse would no doubt summon nearby scavengers. This helps explain the lack of bones from early man. The proof of this can be found on many of the surviving bones from this time. Many bones from this time show tool marks where the hole on the back of the skull is enlarged and tool marks on the inside of the skull. This was caused by retrieving the brains of the deceased. Also on many skulls there are tool marks on the inside jaw and mandible from removing the tongue. Some digs recover bits of bone that have been shattered. Most of the time this is only in the marrow bones only. Tool marks caused by butchering are also seen. The most obvious sign though is when bones have been cook or boiled. Marrow bones, and the skull being the most popular to boil in many of the more modern cannibal tribes. Just keeping these things in mind brings a good point as to why many of ancient man’s bones are unfound.

At what point did we learn that we are edible? Are we born knowing it, as in some kind of DNA memory, or instinct? Dose it come from hunger, or even the realization that we are meat? I do not think it is so much instinct as this is not really a common practice anymore. If there were an internal drive to eat your dead then we would see more cases of that now. There is though an internal drive to keep our beloved dead a part of us always. This can be one drive to cannibalism.

This brings me to the different types of cannibals. Early cannibals most likely started as a source of survival. The dead make for easy food. In times of famine or isolating accidents it is the only way to stay alive. In some cases someone may even sacrifice themselves so that others may stay alive. Today this is the most accepted type of cannibalism. The thought behind the eating of our dead changed ever so slightly at some point beyond the need of survival.

We began to add ritual behind it. The actual ritual varies from tribe to tribe, from culture to culture. Most cases though involve the eating of the dead so that they in part become a part of us. This way we carry the dead with us. This can be carried out by the whole village, or sometimes just those closest to the decedent. This type of cannibalism is still found in many remote parts of the world. Some of these tribes also are able to see them as able to keep the beloved family member warm and safe by eating them. This is also a way to keep them safe from being destroyed by animal and enemy. There is a modern variant of this thought as well though. It is an old and still accepted custom to plant fruit trees on the graves of those we love. As their bodies brake down and become vitamins for the earth, they nourish the tree. We can then eat the fruit of the tree, and absorb a part of them into us. This is though indirect cannibalism, as we do not eat any of the actual dead person.

What about though those who enjoy the eating of the dead? that like to cook them? This type of cannibal is also known as gustatory or culinary cannibals. This means they cook the dead. Many times this is done in a stew, soup or roasted. Children are rarely roasted due to the lack of meat, wear as an adult male leg could serve as a good lunch for someone. This thought though led other groups to just like the taste of human meat.

This leads us to the less common type of cannibal is the aggressive type who hunt humans for meat. To them other tribes and peoples are just animal prey to be hunted. These can still be found in places like Borneo, and South America.

So at what point dose cannibalism become taboo? I know that cannibalism as the main form final disposal, ended around the end of the Ice Age. Although many areas still have cannibal tribes and some have only vanished in the last century. There are good reason to work away from cannibalism sometimes as well. The Disease known as Kuru or laughing disease (variant of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease) is only caused from cannibalism. It is similar to “Mad Cow,” and caused by the eating of certain parts of the brain, and spinal column. This became a problem among most of the women and children of the Fore tribe in New Guinea. It turned out the problem was caused by the fashion that the women were boiling their dead. The Men of the tribe often partook of the eating of the dead in a different way leaving only the scarps behind for the rest. Knowing what caused this did the people stop eating the dead? No, they only changed how they did this. This brings me back to wondering when did eating the dead become so wrong? I do not yet know this, but aim to find out.

I do think it has something to do with the widespread of “mainstream” religion (Christian, Jew, Muslim, etc). With the change of religion you also find a change of culture. People are told that this practice is unclean, not right, and savage. Yet the Christian church is told to believe that by eating bread and drinking wine at communion they are in fact taking part of the ingestion the blood and body of Christ. I still do not understand the why this practice is so feared and taboo. I will add more to this as I learn more.

Bibliography
Taylor, Timothy The Buried Soul: How Humans Invented Death Boston. Beacon Press 2002

cannibal. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved May 23, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cannibal